It was almost a year since I landed on August 18, 2017, and lived in a rented apartment in New York. Frankly speaking, the year 2017–2018 in New York has taught me much more than the last year.
As long as life is not keeping in the same spot and continues to have new things that I am looking for, I am very pleased.
Perhaps the credit to the city of New York, perhaps the credit to my decision of leaving Hong Kong (the city I love), or to the people I have met and the people I will meet.
Summarize my experience and what I learned this year.
1. Compliments do not bring confidence to one person. Self-confidence comes from introspection and growth after criticism.
It is natural that we are happy when we get praise. However, it cannot be a source of motivation. Instead, when you are criticized (such as dissatisfaction from a teacher, an elder, or a boss), you will give yourself a clearer position and understand your own deficiencies. Every time you overcome a weakness, your subconscious will know that you have improved a little, that is where the confidence from.
So, true self-confidence is given by oneself, not others. Also be grateful to who criticize you. Those are your mentor and friend.
For example, in the beginning, I was very sensitive about others correcting my English grammar mistakes. My first reaction would be, God, it’s too shameful, and I feel that it’s kind of painful to expose my mistakes. (I think it’s naive now.) Later people would tell me, Don’t take it personally…
As I made more and more mistakes, there would be fewer and fewer errors in my daily talking, writing, and communication. I was more and more confident in talking to others.
Remember that when we were learning the piano, we would be criticized by the teacher. But are we confident when we go to the stage? Because we know that the teacher fixed our problems and we have already gotten better.
If you play a song that the teacher hasn’t heard before, it’s frightening.
The most frightening thing is that you don’t know what mistakes you made.
Also, if you understand that the praise of others is not the source of self-confidence, you will correctly look at the criticism of others.
2. Be generous to others, but protect yourself.
Most of my friends about my same age are the only children in their families, due to Chinese old policy. The only child has a natural Mindset that all the stuff (love/time/money/sources ) belongs to him/her. In childhood, he/she is not cultivated in the family that has the subtle role of “partner/competitor”. In many cases, it is very difficult for the only child to learn how to compromise/communicate/share in the future.
Please don’t think that I am talking about the problem of the only child, because I am also the only child.
It just because we don’t have the chance to practice and to really think about those skills which are in the real life.
My favorite model Gisele Bundchen was asked in an interview with Vogue that, what is like to grow up in a family of six girls?
She said, I learn how to share, and negotiate.
This is a pity that I feel as a one-child child. Sometimes we don’t know how to discuss with others and how to fight for something. Because most of the time the environment has solidified, (parents + elders), the subconscious mind feels that everything is what it is, and there is no concept of seeking and communicating.
So when you step into the society, you must learn to share, compromise and negotiate.
Be nice to the others, but protect yourself.
3. Learn to observe
Painting has always been a small hobby for me so I went for watercolor classes during the summer. I had a little bit of experience with sketching four years ago. At that time, I sat down with the children who were preparing for the college entrance examination to draw apples every four hours in the morning. I still treasure that experience because I found myself being able to focus on observing an apple’s lines, skeleton, and muscles for such a long time when I was drawing. It made a huge different difference between drawing a line randomly and drawing after understanding its structure.
The experience of painting teaches me how to observe.
Many people go to the Metropolitan Museum to see Van Gogh’s self-portraits. People take a look at the museum, then take a photo on the mobile phone and send it to a bunch of friends, end of story. But this experience has not connection with oneself. When I paint, I want to study whether the color is warm or cool. How do I make a shadow? Is this part of the texture hard or soft? As long as I get into it, I discover the magical power of the object, the nature.
The artist spends his whole life to understand himself and tons of hours to draw.We only see the surface, and we don’t even understand why it is great.
It is even more so when you look at people, the real human beings.
There are two sides to the coin, and one person has more than two sides
To understand others, to have empathy and compassion, and don’t define others because of one small thing. One point can’t define a line and a line can’t make a side. Many times we may see only a person’s shadow or highlight.
4. About women
Girls are really getting prettier and prettier now.
When I was shopping in Guangzhou, I saw so many pretty faces. I can not help but sigh with friends, nowadays, being not beautiful has become a kind of disrespect and a sin.
Today’s skin care products, the Internet, outfits, surgery, and Photoshop are all changing people’s aesthetics. Beauty has become something that is easy to obtain. Just cut a hair, wash your face, draw a makeup, mix a set of clothes, spray perfume, take photos, do Photoshop, it is basically a beauty.
But this beauty is too common.
There is a girl I paid attention to on Instagram a year ago because of her outfits and photos all around the world.
A year later now, she graduated from Columbia and got a full-time job after an internship at JP Morgan, waking up at 6 everyday and finishing work at 10:30 every workday.
Determined, hard-working, clean girls are the most beautiful.
It is said that women must have a strong inner heart. Being strong does not mean being impeccable, but clearly understanding herself, knowing what you are looking for and what you don’t want. Spend time on investing in yourself.
Just investing is also divided into successes and failures, so we must find the focus of life.
Tianyu TINA DENG 